How to be a good listener
1.
Why listening is important
2.
How to be a good listener
3.
The benefit and practical value of good
listening skill.
1.
Why listening is important
Let’s start with a situation that most of us are very
familiar with. Husband and wife the morning before they both head out to work.
Husband: honey, I can’t come to tonight dance recital for
Annie, I just got an email from boss, he needs me to sit in a meeting/dinner
tonight, it is last minute but I have no choice (interrupted with the wife)
Wife: john you always like this, cancel things the last
minute, do you know she has been preparing this for so long. Blah blah blah.
The wife carries on the conversation nonstop, husband didn’t
say anything, left house in the bad mood and slam the door. Wife sat down
angrily….
Did this situation end well? Of course not, both parties are
angry, nothing is solved in fact I guarantee you when those two meet again the
same night they will carry on this fight. So, let change the situation a bit,
and apply some good rules of how to be a good listener, then re-visit the
situation and see if the outcome of the situation changes or not.
Rule number 1, be patient! Let the speakers/communicators
finish first!
Lisa interrupted John before he even finishes what he wants
to communicate.
Rule number 2 be engaged
Rather Lisa shows her back to john, as way to create barrier
between them, she should create eye contact, nodding and let communicator
present all the content purpose of his content.
Rule number 3; be open minded rather than cynical.
We all have our education, background, culture, race, religion and belief system to shape what we are and who we are today. Those
factors makes us unique also cynical in some cases. Because we are comfortable
with what we know and have tendency to reject or disapprove others, when you
listen, put all those elements behind, simply listen openly and see what is the
objective of this communicator,
This is Lisa and john situation, Lisa immediately jumps into
conclusion that John is breaking his promise one more time, and she immediate
jumps to the conclusion that John likes to cancel on her, and it is habit of
him. The worse conclusion is Lisa thinks
John views work and career more important then her and her daughter. What is the
tendency she is going to think... insecurity, jealousy, and sense of
abandonment but is it true? Lisa by
using her own view to create a false image of her husband John by not being
open minded to see what is the objective of John’s contents.
Rule number 4
Re-affirm the content avoid misunderstanding and confusion.
It is okay to repeat the key point of communicator,
Use phrase such as “ I am sorry to interrupt, do you mean…”
“ If I am understanding this correctly, you are trying to say…”
Don’t be condescending!
Rule number 5
After the speaker is done, then form conclusion rather
judgment, so this is kind of relate back to the open minded, but at this point
of communication, it is when the speaker is done, then listeners form conclusion and if
needed, to form solution, or even resolution.
If the listeners are not open minded, won’t let speaker finish,
impatience, not engaging the speaker, as we all know, there won’t be
conclusion, solution and resolution formed. So time and energy are wasted both
the speaker and listener. Even unfriendly, negative relation will form
between speaker and listeners.
Now Let’s re-visit the situation again, by applying this
five rules we just discussed.
The situation is night of same day, John came back from his
meeting/dinner with clients and boss, and Lisa came back from Annie’s recital.
In this situation, Lisa and John will switch roles but let’s see if the
situation changes.
Lisa: John, Annie’s recital was beautiful, I wish you were
there.
John didn’t interrupt, let Lisa finishes, and create eye
contact, engaging with speaker.
Lisa: I am so proud of her, she did such wonderful job, she
was so beautiful, later after recital I took her to ice cream and she told me
that dancing makes her happy and she wants to be a dancer when she grows up. I
am so happy. Our little one is growing up quickly and I don’t want you to miss
those precious moments.
John was engaged, he had good eye contact, was not defensive
in his body language, nodding and trying to be open and hear what Lisa wants to
communicate. So what do you think the result of this conversation compare to
the one in the morning? The listener applied the rules. John didn’t interrupt Lisa instead of telling
her off because he just done long day of work, he was patience, so John let
Lisa to finish what she wants to talk about.
John had good eye contact which encourages the speaker Lisa to
express what she really wants to communicate which is the daughter is growing
up, the precious moments are more important than anything else, not because
Lisa is sick and tired John keep disappearing, breaking promise, only cares
about himself, in fact if you listen closely, Lisa didn’t blame John for
anything rather just simply communicating a clear message which we will talk
about next time how to be an effective communicator.
Was john open minded and wants to hear what Lisa wants to
say? Absolutely! He didn’t put judgment or prejudice immediately, he didn’t see
this situation as the one “ ok, here we go again, wife is nagging on me, again!”
If needed, re-affirm with the content of communication. In this situation, are you
trying to say that we should value more the precious moments of our daughter
growing up.
What if the conversation takes place without any of the
rules, what do you think it will be happen? John will interrupt Lisa by saying”
hey I put food on table, education for our daughter, I need to do this, don’t u
understand” He probably will be defensive through the conversation have his arm
across, look away rather creating eye contact with Lisa, since John is already
defensive do you think he will be open minded? Of course not, then what
conclusion will result from this conversation. Nothing will be resolved,
nothing was established, most likely John probably storm out the door.
What is the value of being good listeners then? Resolve
potential unnecessary conflict, avoid miscommunication, confusion, but most
important create between relation and safe environment between the speaker and listener; create
good positive relation between the parties. In this situation we talk about it
above, it saves a marriage and family. Men and women can both be good listeners, good
listening skill has nothing to do with gender, it is more or less following the
rules, getting the correct information then form logical conclusion.
We just discuss some basic situation five basic rules that
you can apply in your daily life, with your colleagues, family members,
potential clients, clients and even enemy if you want communicate. Most people will struggle with patience
especially in Asia, everyone is rushing, getting to places, getting things
done, but don’t be discouraged, before you have desire to interrupt, take a
deep breath, give yourself a mental notes that you need to let the speaker
finishes before you express any opinion or solution. It takes practice to master the basic rules,
be patient, practice and you will be a great listener in no time.
Next time we will discuss how to be an effective
communicator.
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